The Leadership Skill We Assume We’re Good At (But Aren’t)

Most leaders think they’re good at relationships. After all, they care about their people, they’re nice, thoughtful, experienced, and genuinely try to do a good job.

But that’s not the same as a leader who knows how to build brilliant relationships and works to master the skill.And in today’s world – fast-moving, hybrid, AI-enabled- it’s a skill that has never mattered more.

When we get relationships right, we can transform performance, culture, and trust. We create environments where the seemingly impossible is achieved – shared endeavour fuels momentum, and learning and change come naturally. 

But honestly – how often do you see this?

It’s far more likely to see toxically nice leaders who say one thing to you, and another to someone else. Leaders who fear giving constructive feedback and others who don’t take the time to understand what puts people in their element. We see leaders who’ve never shared what good looks like but silently judge you anyway. And we have those who are unaware of their negative impact but never put themselves in a position where they will learn about it.  

Mostly, we see leaders who only do part of the ‘relationship job’— doing what comes naturally, but avoiding what doesn’t.

The problem is – that’s not ok – as leaders in today’s world, we need to do the whole job. 

Why relationships matter more than ever

Modern leadership is no longer about managing tasks or controlling output. AI, automation, and shifting business models will take more of the “doing” off our plates.

Our value as leaders today is measured by how well we can inspire, connect, coordinate, and develop more leaders — all things machines can’t replicate.

When we get our relationships right, they are the basis for:

• Purpose and future – The ability for people to see a future for themselves in the organisation: personal growth, skill development, and opportunity. If they don’t see this, energy drains and ambition fades. Great leaders see this as a core part of their role.

• Belonging – Creating environments where people feel part of something. Places where they feel valued for who they are, what they bring, and where they can build genuine friendships—talent retention skyrockets when people feel part of a community.
• Discretionary effort and creativity – Cultures in which it’s safe to speak, experiment, and challenge are key to long-term success. Without them, people seek to protect themselves instead of contributing fully and risk getting something wrong.

The leadership skills that deepen relationships

So, what would it look like if we took relationships seriously? Great relationships don’t happen because we’re “good with people.” They happen because we develop the skills that make them possible:

1. Self-awareness – Knowing the impact you have, your shadow behaviours, your strengths and weaknesses, and your appetite for learning and change.
2. Behavioural choice – Reclaiming the ability to choose how you respond, rather than reacting to what’s happening around you.
3. Conversation – Holding space, asking curious questions, and listening beyond the words. People don’t just need direction — they need to feel heard and understood.
4. Evangelising – Painting a clear picture of where the organisation is going and how each person’s role contributes. Clarity creates energy; vagueness drains it.
5. Alignment – Linking people’s personal goals and strengths to the team’s goals, so they’re not just working hard but working on the right things.
6. Building trust – Being consistent, transparent, leading with good intent and integrity. Trust is built in small, repeated moments — it’s the currency of collaboration.

These aren’t soft skills — they are the hard mechanics of performance. And, in a time when AI can increasingly automate the process, it’s human relationships that will determine whether your people want to stay, contribute, and grow.

This isn’t just about creating a better place to work. It’s a smarter way to run a business. It just happens that it also makes our lives a whole lot better at the same time.