To change how we lead, we must change how we live

When did we decide that leadership happens at work, and life happens everywhere else? It’s strange, because actually, the most critical leadership job any of us has is to lead our lives. 

Most of us, however, don’t think that way – and that, I believe, is a fundamental problem.

One of the questions I regularly ask leaders is, “How does it feel to be a leader right now?” The number one response is… ‘overwhelming’ – or words to that effect. 

When I ask them about their personal lives, it’s the same – they talk about rushing from pillar to post, trying to be great parents, partners, sons, daughters, team members, bosses, and employees, while all the time craving a moment to breathe. 

A CEO recently said to me, “I just want to press pause so I can get everything in order and then start again,” but after we chatted for a while, she admitted that a month down the line, she would be in the same state as she was now. 

So, what’s the answer?

The answer lies in making a profound shift in the way we understand leadership. It is not something we do when we go to work; it is a way of being – we are either the leaders of our lives or letting life be done to us. This shift is from living outside in, to living inside out. 

When we live ‘outside in’, we blame things outside of us for our experience of life. We blame work for our exhaustion, partners for our anger, and our childhoods for our reactions. We feel our time isn’t ours, and we crave moments when we can stop and reorder our lives. We live under the false hope that it will all be ok when the to-do list is done, or when we go on holiday or change jobs – but actually, nothing changes. 

The problem is that we are aligning with things, people, and situations outside of us. We’ve taken on others’ ideas of success rather than deeply understanding what it means for us. We seek solutions from others rather than listening to our innate wisdom, and we blame things that are out of our control for our lives, rather than remembering that we always have a choice. 

When we live like this, we can’t help but feel drained – it’s hard living to another’s drumbeat.

When we live ‘inside out’, we are aligned with who we really are and what we want. Yes, we listen to others’ knowledge and experience, but we also listen to our own wisdom and let it guide us. Crucially, we take ownership of our experience of life.  Who we are, how we show up, the impact we have and the environments we create. We don’t blame others for our reactions but make conscious choices about how we respond and the impact we have. 

It’s this shift that is fundamental to leading better lives.

And then, and only then, do we earn the right to lead others.